(03/25/2017) I sat, on the edge of the railing, the cars passing by, i contemplated running to the middle of the way when no cars were passing, i contemplated having an emotional breakthrough, i contemplated having a melt down, a realization, a single tear, any emotion at all. Nothing. Every emotion was put on hold, all i felt was the song, the melody flying over and through me, i asked myself if i needed help. Yes. i do, more than anything, but when i open my mouth to ask, i feel throat get heavier, my eyes blur, i heat up and sink down to my core, when no words come out. No matter how many times i opened my mouth to speak, my heart caught on fire, the reactions and questions ran through my brain, my logical explanations suddenly left me all alone, wondering why i need to ask, why i need to say a word, asking why i need help, asking why i am the way i am, asking why i just cannot speak. I do not feel safe. I do not feel trusted or trustworthy. I do not feel i need to ask, because the second i do, the reality sinks in, the little sprinkles of happiness leave, and the sadness, the darkness i have somehow beyond all doubt kept away, will find it’s way to me, the me i don’t let anyone see, the me i put in a jar in the core of my mind, where my blind spot hits, where i don not recognize who i am. The darkness comes, and ruins the me who has potential for happiness. Logic overcomes me, and i mouth mom 3 times, 4, 7. Up she goes, out she goes, and my chance is gone yet again.